Dear First Born, I Didn’t Know…
Posted On April 24, 2019
Dear first born, I didn’t know how much would change when I brought your sister into this world, and into our home.
I never realized how deep our connection was and how challenging it would be to integrate another into *our* lives.
Not you, and me, and daddy, and the rest of the family… But yours and mine. The life we had that was just ours.
I didn’t know how much I’d miss you.
You changed me. You changed so many things about me I couldn’t even list them all.
We went through everything together, as a team. And we are still that team. We will always be a team.
Dear first born, you made me ‘mama’. I learned all the mom things from mothering you.
And our connection is so special to me.
I forget most of the things I wanted before I was your mom. I think I wanted some big career at some point? I’m pretty sure I planned on becoming a millionaire in some way or another.
But now, all I want is to be your mom. And your sisters mom. It’s the greatest thing I’ve ever done.
The hardest. The most exhausting. The biggest learning experience ever, but still, overall, the very, very best thing I’ve ever done.
Dear first born, I wish I soaked in more of those moments. When it was just you and me.
When my mind didn’t have anyone else to focus on. When my heart was half the size it is now but still felt bigger than the universe.
I didn’t know.
I thought I appreciated all the ways we connected and spent time together but now that our lives are different, I wonder, could I have soaked you in a little bit more?
Was I mindful enough? Was I happy enough? Was I good enough for you?
I know things have changed. You are doing so well with it all. It’s an adjustment and I wish I could make it easier on you.
But please know, that I am so, so proud of you. I see you. My attention has been divided but my love has doubled and I promise you are not getting less of my heart.
Dear first born, I didn’t know how much your world would change but just like everything that’s happened on our journey so far, you and me are doing it together. Because we’re a team.
We’re learning together. We’re changing together and we’re adapting to a new normal, together.
Dear first born, all of the things you and I do are new and challenging. Things neither of us have done before. That’s how it’s always been for us.
But that’s our special connection. That’s what we get to share, just you and me.
There will be special things I get to share with your sister. And there will be special things I share with daddy.
But you and me, we’re pioneers.
I love you with all my heart my dear first born. Every growing piece of it.
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